Chapter 3:
Her Hot Butt
Fourth grade also brought field trips. The one is question was not necessarily a highlight, but this field trip stands out for certain reasons. She and the boy had been going out for a solid two months. This was long term by elementary standards where friends changed weekly along with the popularity of New Kids on the Block, Boyz II Men, and Naughty by Nature, all very appropriate music for 10 year-olds. I was down with OPP.
The field trip itself wasn’t memorable. I can’t remember where we went, what we went to see, or even if April is the time of the year we went. Some kind of play or ballet? Something on a stage with the lights lowered. What I do remember is being excited to go on a field trip, strategically putting myself next to him so that we would be sitting next to each other. All went well until right before we sat down and some scuffling ensued and after I sat down, turned to my left and there was NOT my boyfriend, but one of his friends. Sweet. I angrily crossed my LEFT leg over my right and jangled my ankle around. But then, being the little teacher’s pet that I was, made sure I was focused on whatever the boring field trip was about. I re-crossed my legs, as my foot was falling asleep anyway, and to draw attention to the fact that I was annoyed at my seat partner to the left for whispering to my boyfriend and clearly not paying attention like we were supposed to. After my foot fell asleep again (how long was this trip?) I re-crossed my legs again, back to the left over right, not realizing that this was what they had been waiting for. That simple movement of me, lifting my left leg over my right, apparently was my left buttock’s invitation for a ten year old hand to grab it! WHAT?! I felt betrayed, like my boyfriend had just pimped me out! I hadn’t even hugged him, held hands with him, and his dumb friend just grabbed my butt in the middle of a boring field trip! I can still see it now, in slow motion, me, crossing my leg, lifting the cheek ever so slightly off the red scratchy seat cushion and the Psycho bathroom scene music "DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN" as a little juvenile hand reaches out, fingers stretched, and pinches my butt cheek. Argh…
That is how I remember it. Here is how I wrote it when it happened: Yes, the actual diary of a ten-year old, somehow saved in an attic box somewhere. *Names have been changed to protect the identity of adolescent youth.*
I hate Connor! I hate Max! I’ll tell you why. Today my class and me went on a field trip. Connor and Max pushed until Connor sat next to me. In the middle of the play, Connor traded places with Max and Max pinched my butt! What is it with my butt? On the 9th, Glen got it again! That was the third time this year. Before we went on the field trip Erin came over and said that Connor said he had a crush on me. I don’t believe it.
Apparently I didn't get over this quickly. Two days later I added this gem:
Half the boys in my class would love to go out with me. I learned the hard way that all boys are scum. Today in choir, Glen got my butt again. 4 times this school year!
What a little prissy I was, pretty full of myself and already ready for the drama of high school. I’m speechless and this was my diary. All I can say, is looking back, I was headed for trouble, and in retrospect, glad that my “big” drama came early and woke me up before it was too late. Oh, and January, not April…so I guess we hadn’t even started ‘dating’ yet. But then again, I was going to wait until sixth grade, when boys were mature enough for my liking...
Her hot butt had been called into question before. Word must have gotten around? Starting in third grade she had picked up the unwanted attention of a different boy, Glen. Always getting in trouble, definitely not a teacher’s pet, but a teacher’s burden, he gravitated toward her. One time he followed her home from school, but that was all it took. She sensed him walking behind her, but refused to run. How dare he! Along with being a teacher’s pet, she was also daddy and mommy’s little girl and was not disappointed upon arriving home. Having the dad that was the strong silent type that her girlfriends were afraid of when they came over was put to good use when dealing with unwanted affection. As soon as she got into her house, she ran down to the basement and hid under the very pool table that helped spawn the Screwballs’ logo. Noticing the strange behavior (she usually only hid under the pool table when the storm sirens went off) her dad poked his head out the front door and saw a grungy, Neanderthal young boy all but sniffing his way after his daughter’s path to the front door. All it took was one unfriendly, “Hey, can I help you with something?” that caused him to turn tail and run up the street and out of sight. Unfortunately, her dad couldn’t come to school with her to keep his little perv hands off her there!
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